Sometimes it lasts in love

Sometimes it hurts instead. -Adele

 "Love isn't a state of perfect caring. It is an active noun, like struggle. To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is, right here and now." -Fred Rogers

 As I walked to work this morning, I saw all these people with their flowers, wrapped and ready to give to their sweetie. The local bodega had a plethora of flower options available to purchase (I'm sure with a nice little markup....) and I think half the people are thinking: "Screw you!", while the other half are thinking, "Awwww".  I had my Muppet valentines that were more appropriate for a five-year-old than a thirty two year old lady. I think Valentine's has become this divisive day. I just think of it as a day of spreading some love. Since it happens to fall on a Tuesday this year, it's just another Happy Tuesday.

 I, for one, celebrated Galentine's Day yesterday and had a wonderful time at my new favorite local place, The Wayland, with delightful Emily. I brought some readings from my favorite authors and we had a great night celebrating our friendship.

It's interesting to me, because I think in my romantic relationships, I've always had that side of love that ends up hurting. Maybe this year I'll find a love that lasts instead. A love like my best friendships. Maybe my boyfriend will get gently sidelined for something real. For now, I'll just put on In Your Eyes and sing to myself knowing I'll find someone that accepts me right here as I am...all in good time.  A dear couple whom I adore, said to me today, "I think that you being single means there can't be a God. How is it possible?!" (and they are good Catholics :)!). I can appreciate all the love I get and give in other ways. I'll find peace in those beautiful words of Kahlil Gibran, those that help me see the joy and the sorrow in love. Each love revealing the secrets of my own heart even more to me.

When love beckons to you, follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams
as the north wind lays waste the garden.

For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.

Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant;
And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.

All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.

But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.
Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;
For love is sufficient unto love.

When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, "I am in the heart of God."
And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.

Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

He loves me, He loves me not

My boyfriend has been a bit lackadaisical lately.

 Thank goodness he's back. I've been needing a little love note from him. 

This is a test

Receiving has never been my strong suit. I feel much more comfortable giving. So, based on a recent Happy Tuesday post, Deborah  planned an afternoon and evening of surprises for me.

She had me meet her on the steps at Lincoln Center. She started by saying, "This is a test" and handed me a beautiful book of quotes from an amazing letterpress store in NYC. She had tagged one of the quotes that read:

"You only live once But if you work it right, once is enough." -Fred Allen

She then handed me an awesome card with Miss Piggy on the front and a quote on the inside:

"when you truly give up trying to be whole through others you end up receiving what you always wanted from others "Shakti Gawain * via the amazing Happy Tuesdays blog."
(She reads it! Woop woop! She also uses it against me!).

I kept wanting to take pictures, but she insisted I take mental pictures only. She then whisked me away to the MAC store for a make over and an amazing generous treat.

She makes me happy.

She makes my life better.

God, I love that woman.

Thank goodness for that serendipitous moment in NYC that brought us together. She got me my dream job. She allows me to do what I love doing. She supports me through all of it. There is no one like her and I am so blessed to have her in my life.

Since no snapshots were allowed, my mental pictures include:

Misty eyed on the steps of Lincoln Center on a warm winter night. Totally confused and excited.

Crying and nearly ruining the make-up that had just expertly been put on me at MAC, because I was so darn touched by her extreme generosity.

Margs and Guac before dancing the night away...well, maybe Deb dancing the night away.

My neighbor asking me that night: Did you do something different today? You're just glowing. You're sparkling. Is it your hair? Me: Smiling inside, trying to remember my test of life given to me by Deb and just saying, "thank you".

Some things I learned:

Gotta pop that apple.

Receiving is REALLY hard.

After 10 years, it's time to update yourself, yo.
Sometimes there's more to the T-Zone than you think.

I need to take dance lessons from Deborah Lohse.

There is an awesome new MAC campaign with Miss Piggy.

(I may, or may not, have decided to treat myself to a mani pedi and get the new Muppet Colors, courtesy of OPI before my trip to CA after all this lovely pampering).

Love notes, totes--crackin' the nut

This past week, I picked up my Christmas tree. I love putting on the Christmas music and lighting my pumpkin candle, while having some cookies in the oven. 

Most of my fellow dancer friends are getting excited about Nutcracker--from the first time they hear the Sugar Plum Fairy while gliding through the grocery store, the endless advertisements for a Nutcracker, to the little girls seeing the ballet for the first time--me, I tend to get very melancholy.

For me, this time of year represents something different.

It was 14 years ago that I was poised to dance the Sugar Plum Fairy in the Nutcracker. Always a coveted role, I was excited and terrified. My dance teacher, Kirk Derby, was also my cavalier. We had rehearsed for months. He was dreading wearing white tights. Always fit and debonair, he was very self conscious and those darn tights is what I know he was least looking forward to wearing. The two of us would meet in the afternoon once I got out of school and rehearse until we both had to teach. 

I danced that Nutcracker as a solo. 

I received a phone call one night before the performance that Kirk had died. He died many years too early and it's always this time of year that brings him back to me the most.

For Christmas that year, one of the mother's of a student of mine got me a tree as a remembrance of Kirk. My little Christmas tree this year reminds me of that tiny little tree that she gave to me. Now, when I go back to visit my family, that tree is planted at my parents house and has grown much taller than me. 

One year during our session for school photos, it was just myself and Dani Snodgrass that showed up for picture day for our routine, Kiss From a Rose. Kirk had such a great sense of humor and our photo ended up being, "Kiss From My Butt". I still have that picture in my teeny apartment, reminding me of him. There are moments from our time together that were paramount in my teenage years. My favorite moments are from our time together in the studio, rehearsing together. Just the two of us, laughing and having a great time. 

I can remember walking around backstage at the theatre that year with my dear dance teacher, Kathy Milo, by my side as I cried my little eyes out. She got me through that Nutcracker and I am forever grateful. Having to hold myself together for all my students at the time was one of the most difficult masks I've ever had to wear. I will forever miss his smile, his warm & gentle nature, teaching my mom and I all about "fag hags", the same self doubt that we shared, his tales of cruise ship dancing, his calm demeanor in the classroom. He was my teacher. My friend. My partner. 

When I hear those opening notes of the Grand Pas, I just think of putting my hand in his, the biggest grin on my face and him greeting me with that beautiful smile. I sit here next to my tiny tree thinking of him. I will always miss him.

Love notes, totes

I always enjoy a good love note from my boyfriend. 

Spreading my jam...

A Birthday for lovely LaRae!+

Parent Teacher Confernces+

Anna Bass Bliss+

Roulette Sisters Magic+

Burger Dinner & Yujin Birthday at Shoolbreds+

Inside Out Carrot Cake, Vegan Brownies, Double Chocolate Chip Coconut, Apple Crisp, Browned Butter & Sage corn muffins, Pomegranate Cupcakes, Magic Peanut Butter Cookies,

MAC Surprise to the Max+

New Chamber Ballet+

Deb Dancing at Duplex+

Baby Shower Painting=

Enjoying my PB&J sandwich of life.

Like Crazy

Took my boyfriend on a date on Saturday to see Like Crazy. 

When it ended, it was so abrupt that I thought, "What the what?".

After about a minute and thirty seconds of that thought, I was immediately filled with a sense of complete gratitude for such an honest peek at love, romance, and relationships. While I was watching the movie, my mind kept wandering back to my trip this summer....little snapshots of memories flooded my brain for each person I had the pleasure of spending time with and the emotions associated with those people. Maybe at the end of the day, that's all we've got in our relationships: tiny in-our-head moments that capture the true essence and emotion that our loved ones bring to our lives. In my recent yoga classes we've been focusing on the people in our lives and sending energy out to them. So today, on my walk to work, I took a glimpse through those snapshots of my memory and the photo log of my loved ones....ah, bliss.

Love notes, totes

love notes, totes

He keeps me mindful...

awww...and thinks I'm great. 

Grateful Grazies-Bob & Darryl

I have two notes in my Teeny Tiny Kitchen; one from each of my parents.

"Tammi-I just wanted to say Thank You. 

Being your mother is one of my greatest joys in life. 

I LOVE YOU. You are wonderfully made. 

Have a wonderful day. Love Mom".

"It's said that all a man has in life is what he leaves behind.

 I leave behind the most wonderful things in the world. 

My kids.

 I love you, Dad".

My mother and father are two of the people I admire most in my life. They met and married when they were just 14 & 17 and I cannot even begin to fathom how they have remained devoted to one another and our family after all these years.

When I was younger, I fully believed I was adopted. I somehow got it in my head that I was the lost princess of somewhere fabulous in Italy (this could be true...my Dad found on our ancestry.com that many of our relatives are Italian! Whoohoo! Where's my castle?). Growing up in a family where all my siblings were blondies, I couldn't fathom that I was part of it all (that and I was just stubborn and thought it was funny). Now, I see just how much a part of each of my parents I really am. I somehow inherited their best qualities and I am so proud to be a part of the family that I belong to.

They both grew up being very self-sufficient. They have always owned their own successful businesses and have worked side by side for over thirty years. They didn't really rely on anyone growing up beyond each other and went through the ups and downs of life, figuring things out along the way.

My mother is one of the most positive people I know. She was most likely the impetus behind Happy Tuesdays, when I think back on it. When I was younger, I remember being baffled by my mother's ability to always see the best in every situation. We would tease her and call her Pollyanna. She is truly an eternal optimist and I'm proud to share that quality with her. I now see what she's known all this time: It's really not worth wasting time being negative. Better just put a smile on your face and get through the rough patches the best you can. Her patience is never ending. I can remember her teaching me to drive my manual Cabriolet in the school parking lot--me trying to figure out the clutch and her never getting upset, antsy, or angry. Just letting me figure it out and gently coaxing and coaching me along the way. She's continued to do this throughout my life and I'm so grateful for it.

My father has set the bar so high for someone in my life being a Man. He is someone who gets his joy in life from helping other people.  He is the hardest worker I know. He has always seen his value in his work but I see it in the person that he is and how he treats people. He is always willing to help someone and do whatever he can for them.  He has the best instincts and street smarts--more than anyone I know. He is so good at reading people and can often suss out people's true intentions. He is person of integrity and honesty. His dedication and discipline are qualities I admire in him and have tried to emulate in my own life. Despite his quiet side, he has an incredibly fun demeanor. Some of my fondest memories are my dad and I roaring at 100 miles an hour in his shiny black Mustang, on our way to karate, blasting Rosanne Cash, me with the biggest grin on my face.

Many years ago, I took to calling my mom Bob. Apparently when I said "Mom" it came out sounding like "Bob". I have no idea how I loved the Newton show so much, but I decided to call my dad Darryl. The names stuck somehow and I affectionately remember that time and my Bob and Darryl. This Grateful Grazie is to thank them.

Bob & Darryl:
Thank you. Thank you for being a constant sense of support and encouragement in my life. Thank you for putting up with me when I've floundered, when I was in a teenage snit and couldn't appreciate all you were doing for me, when I've been too wrapped up in my own life to make a phone call. Thank you for seeing my mistakes, watching them, but having the wisdom to let me make them--knowing that's the only way I would grow and learn. Thank you for supporting all my decisions. I know it can't be easy to watch your daughter do all sorts of crazy things that you can't understand--to have her move across the country, live abroad, date some major d-bags (yes you know this word)...I am so grateful that you know just when to give me advice, the space that I need, or love that I'm needing. Thank you for being there when I cry. You have both been there for me in my darkest moments, sometimes not saying anything, just holding me and listening to me. You've also been there to celebrate my biggest achievements. I am so grateful to have parents that I know are always there for me. You may not agree with my decisions or thoughts, but you still respect me and support me. You told me to follow my dreams and do something I love. You never pressured me to be something you wanted. You had a constant message of being what I wanted. Thank you for giving me every opportunity you could think of and for showing me what it truly means to be a good person. I know that you always did your best, and you continue to do so. I try to live my life this way--giving my best in every situation, to every person, every relationship, every moment. My admiration for you and my gratefulness grows each day. Your commitment to one another and to your family is something I will hope to have one day with my own little family. Thank you for not letting distance or time keep us apart. Despite the fact that Granite Bay, CA is long way away from NYC, I feel closer to you more now than ever before. I love you both so much and I will continue to try to live a life that you are proud of and an integral part of. Thank you for being the best parents that I could imagine. Thank you for being you. You are amazing.

Grateful Grazies--Agriged

Deborah Lohse is one of my favorite people in the universe. We danced together many moons ago when we were kids at our local studio in CA. We were 'award winning' choreographers at the time, although Deb is the only one that has maintained that title.  She is vivacious, warm and welcoming. For me, she's this beautiful bottle of champagne that pops every time I see her and her excitement bursts out and fills up a room. We reconnected in New York when she saw my feet in a ballet class--my feet! I remember turning around to do the second side of barre and there she was sitting criss cross apple sauce on the floor. Ever since then we have seen our friendship blossom and have been there to support each other through the rough patches, as well as celebrate the little successes in each day and the life changing moments in our lives. She gave me the opportunity to perform again and my soul was recharged just when I needed it most. She is an amazing performer that captivates everyone that has the pleasure to watch her. She is unafraid in her new adventure in film. She is such a source of comfort, care and support in my life and I love her. She knows just when to call me out and tell me I'm full of shit. She knows how to greet me with a hug that takes in my entire being. She can sit on a rock and say nothing at all and I can feel her care and love. She makes me laugh hysterically, holds me when I cry and can rock a fan at a dance party like no one else. Man, I think my boyfriend has some stiff competition. No need to worry though, he sent his love via Deb this week...

whew!

...and he's always so reassuring!

Thanks hon

My boyfriend just keeps getting sweeter...gosh, I love hm.

for you my darling.

My lovely friend Deborah gifted me a beautiful little letterpress poem this week. She knows how much I 

a) love stationary

b) love letter press and

c) love my boyfriend.

Letter to N.Y.

For Louise Crane

In your next letter I wish you'd say

where you are going and what you are doing;

how are the plays, and after the plays

what other pleasures you're pursuing:

taking cabs in the middle of the night,

driving as if to save your soul

where the road goes round and round the park

and the meter glares like a moral owl,

and the trees look so queer and green 

standing alone in big black caves

and suddenly you're in a different place 

where everything seems to happen in waves,

and most of the jokes you just can't catch,

like dirty words rubbed off a slate,

and the songs are loud but somehow dim 

and it gets so terribly late,

and coming out of the brownstone house 

to the gray sidewalk, the watered street, 

one side of the buildings rises with the sun 

like a glistening field of wheat.

—Wheat, not oats, dear. I'm afraid

if it's wheat it's none of your sowing, 

nevertheless I'd like to know

what you are doing and where you are going.

Bastille Day

adorable couple. in their forties. together for 15 years. madly in love. ahh. inspiration.

Love Notes

I'm tellin' ya, NYC is the best boyfriend I have ever had. I am so grateful for his love notes.

Poetry Night

Went to see a poetry night at the Nuyorican Poetry Cafe last night. 

My friend was 

inspired, 

composed, 

radiant,

and passionate.

I always love watching someone do something they love. 

There is such power in people that do what they love.